My God………………….

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My God………………….

Dear Saba, tonight (26/01/2011) is a very sad night, because on this night 3 years ago they diagnosed your disease. Oh what a night it was, it was raining that night and you were in my arms. When they were trying to take your MRI scan you were so scared that you couldn’t stay still, so they allowed me to come and sit next to you and hold your leg in my hands so that I can calm you down.

My dear, I just can’t forget how much you were crying when they were about to take you to the operation theatre for the first time and how you were begging the nurses not to take you there for operation.  You were even telling them that you are happy to stay and clean the hospital for them if they don’t take you for operation.  It is impossible for me and others who saw those scenes to forget your words.

My dear, you don’t know what I am going through, because my dearest has been to the operation theatre 18 times and I haven’t heard her voice for 928 days. I am so unconscionable that I am still alive while you are suffering.

My dear, you don’t know what I went through when I had a phone call from your nursery to go and collect your belongings.  You don’t know what I went through when your teacher showed me your notebook, because it was written there that you like me, your dad, more than anyone else.

Do you remember that you were calling me every day at noon to see when I will get home?  Do you remember that you were bringing tea for me with those little hands?

My dear, when are you going to get out of bed so we can listen to music together?   When are you going to get out of bed so you can put your head on my chest and fall asleep in my arms?

It was you who was singing the song “girl is daddy’s love, daddy loves whatever his girl does”, so I beg you to get up just because of the love between us.

My dear daughter, the day you were born (13/6/1381) was such a nice day.  I was so happy that I was crying and shaking.  As soon as I hold you in my arms you opened your eyes and started looking at me.

Oh my God, why! Why! Did you only want to let me have just 6 years of good memories?! Did you only want to make me attached to her so deeply?! But why!

I remember that you were born at 6 o’clock in the morning and that is why we named you Saba.

I can’t forget the day we went to cinema for the first time and you were saying wow such a big TV!

Everyone told me if I go to high places and ask God for his help, he would definitely here me. Oh God, you know very well that I did so many times, so why don’t you reply to me? Oh God, you can see how much I am begging you, so why don’t you reply to me? But what I want from you? I am not worthy! Ok, but you are great in mercy, so forgive me and give me the opportunity to compensate.  You know very well that Saba is my whole life, you know very well that what’s going on inside my heart, you know very well that I wish I could hear her voice.   Lord, take my life but give my daughter back to her unfortunate mum who is almost dying of sorrow.

I swear to God that it is so difficult to see all the other kids her age around while seeing her being in bed all the time. My dear Saba, get up.

My dear, on children’s day me and your mum were feeling very down and sad because that day was reminding us the time that we were giving you a present. We couldn’t bare that anymore, so we took all your toys and gave them to the charity and asked them to pray for you.  I am sure that you will forgive us for giving away your belongings.

My dear, the time is now 3:20 am and everyone is sleeping but me and your mum.  We are sitting here next to you and very much hope that God would hear our voice and will give you back to us after 3 years and a month of suffering.

Get up my dear, I still sometimes go and do shopping for you and put them next to you.

Get up my dear, don’t you like your brother, Soheil, to teach you how to play Guitar?

Get up my dear, my heart is filled with sadness. You are here my dear but with pain and grief.

My dear, I understand that you are also forced to accept your fate, but I will wait.  My God, help us and hold us safe under your shelter. My Lord you are great in mercy, so forgive us if we have done anything wrong.  My God, give me back my daughter.  My God, help us not to suffer any more, give her back to us. Oh God,………..

 

 

 




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